Please, let me fuck your mom
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
