I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
