If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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