Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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