You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
