You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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