how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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