stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
When are your genitals available?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
