Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
No subtext here. People are naked.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
