He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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