I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
