everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
