I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
