I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Boobs speak an international language.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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