I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
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You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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