You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
3pm strippers are depressing
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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