1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
