It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
sex in a hospital.. check
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
