then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
