Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
