I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
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