I have demons in me.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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