I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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