Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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