How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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