a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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