she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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