Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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