I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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