She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
