I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
