I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
