I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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