god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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