Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
