It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
