apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I know her cup size but not her name....
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
