i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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