listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
