Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
