Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
ugly people sure do ruin things
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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