I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
