I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
