I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
