I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit