i barfeds in our rink
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
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My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.