my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night