Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
