i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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