is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
my liver is dry heaving
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
