i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
