Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
