the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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