My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
