y did u give ur computer a hand job?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
