dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
