I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Girls should come with a carfax report
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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