Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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