apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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