Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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