weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
