I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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